Time to pour my heart out... to a certain extent. I'm gonna make this long story somewhat short (shorter than it really is, at least); you don't need to know all the details (and a few things I'm uncomfortable sharing), but here's a negative update among all my positive ones this year.
The first week of the year was okay, like the calm before the storm that was this year, maybe. I was looking forward to 2016, set on making it the best year thus far (as I always do), until my partner at the time cheated on me. Now, there are many layers to this, but that is the short and concise description of what happened.
After this, I was obviously devastated. I've been dealing with severe trust issues all my life due to previous events, and these got a lot worse when I thought it wasn't even possible, as dramatic as that sounds. I refused to leave my room for a week and my sleeping and eating habits went down the crapper for a good while. This, on top of my depression getting worse during winter times, along with all the anxiety issues caused by studying to become something I didn't wanna become, was too much to bear at once. Panic attacks that I didn't have often at all became an almost daily thing, I shut myself in and kept things bottled up. Only drinking and smoking at occasional parties turned into me drinking and smoking every other day, as self-destructive behavior was the only way for me to deal with everything because I didn't see a point anymore, but I was too scared to take the final step further. Things straight up sucked for a while.
Then, when I managed to gain the courage to get help for my depression, things looked up for a while. I was prescribed pills, I got to talk to a therapist, she helped me take the step of quitting the teacher program I had felt so out of place in for two years; I started feeling happier. Things got better.
A few months later, I met this wonderful guy. It was extremely scary at first thanks to my trust issues, but I decided to talk to him about that, and he understood. He promised he would never do anything to cause my trust issues to dip lower, he knew about the situation and said he wouldn't hurt me. He was sweet, extremely easy to talk to, an interesting person to get to know, and I felt so privileged to have this person in my life. I started trusting him, bit by bit.
Things were still complicated, however. I didn't feel ready for a relationship, and neither did he due to a break-up not long before we met. A few months passed and I eventually felt ready, but he didn't, which was completely understandable to me. We stayed in a limbo for a few more months until I decided I couldn't deal with that any longer - either we were something, or we were not.
Flash-forward to this past weekend at Comic Con, where he was working. A few weeks before that, we had decided that we would forget about the thing we had going between us, and we had not spoken since (we wanted to give each other some space). Due to all of our mutual friends, however, we couldn't ignore each other during the con, and we ended up talking. We had a deep conversation during a party which ended in a few tears, but a lot of relief and also a friendship.
But that didn't last long. About two months prior, I had spoken to his best friend (who is a close friend of mine) about the situation. He told me that he thought that this guy was still dating his ex-girlfriend, since he had not told anyone otherwise. I knew that he wasn't very open about such things and decided to talk to him about it, in which he explained that they were definitely not dating anymore and they never would again - it was just a case of him not telling people about it. It sounded logical to me, considering he's always been very quiet about such things, and all our mutual friends had said that that's just how he is. Despite all my trust issues, I decided I could believe him. It had been half a year of him being there for me, after all.
Then, during the last day of Comic Con, I found out that he really was still dating his "ex", and what I hate most about this is the fact that I would never have found out, had I not walked in on them. So everything I had gone through the past six months, all the happiness, all the hope and all my trust that had been building itself up bit by bit - it was all gone once again, in the literal blink of an eye. Puzzle pieces fell into place and I came to realize I had lived a lie ever since the moment we met.
This naturally made me feel like shit. Truth be told, I still feel absolutely terrible; finding out you've wasted so much time and effort on a manipulative sociopath is not nice. But most of all, I'm furious. I'm sad and hurt beyond belief, of course, but I don't think I've ever despised a person so much before, it's quite overwhelming. It may sound melodramatic, but this person meant extremely much to me and helped me in so many ways. But hey, not that it matters now. At least I can find solace in the fact that I will help karma bite his asscheeks off.
On top of this, another thing happened this week that I am not comfortable talking about (family-related issues), but which has also taken its toll on me. In addition, we started a new course at uni a few weeks ago which is taking up a lot of time due to it being so complicated, and the timing is actually the worst since I've lost all my abilities to concentrate right now.
Oh, and Trump won, which is the icing on this shitty cake that is my life.
Despite all this happening, and despite all of it happening at once, I refuse to shut myself in again. I refuse to go back to the bad place I found myself in at the beginning of the year. Yes, things absolutely fucking suck and my panic attacks are returning, but I refuse to let this ruin me. Despite all this shit happening, I've gotten so far and I will not give up due to shit people abusing the little trust I have left.
Truthfully, had it not been for all the support I got during the Comic Con party I mentioned earlier, I wouldn't have been nearly as okay. People knew what was happening at the time, they told me to come find them if I ever needed them, they bought me drinks and showered me with hugs and friendly kisses. When they saw that I cried during the conversation I had with this guy, they walked up to me to make sure that I was okay, despite him sitting there (perhaps they were too drunk to care, or perhaps they cared too much to let it slide).
Which is why I'm writing this down on here. I want you to know that I appreciate your friendship and support so, so, so incredibly much. When things are shit, I always know I can turn to my true friends, and I know you are among them. No matter how little trust there is left in me, I know I can always confide in you and I know you will always be there for me. This community means a lot to me and I want you to know that.
Thank you. <3