That last journal was true, and very exciting. But also sort of bullshit.
Don't let me lie to you or myself.
Dear you who would check up on the site just to see if I wrote about our situation,
here it is.
I don't hate you. I hate the person you were in the moment that I needed you the most.
I almost wish I did hate you. At least then I'd feel something for you. Because right now, there is nothing. Just a complete and total disconnect from who you are, who you were, who you will be as a person. I have friends who live across the entire planet who feel closer than you do.
In all honesty, we had been growing apart for a very long time. I don't know if we were ever as close as we thought we were. I don't know how much of it was an act or how much of it was just us trying to cope with ourselves. Maybe it was proximity. Maybe it was as genuine as we made it seem. Maybe it was just whatever the hell it was.
I don't feel so small now. I don't feel like I'm not good enough. I don't feel like I need you around. I've found new friends without you. I've made a new home. I'm growing as a person. Changing.
I may not like all of the changes I'm making, I may not be as put together as I'm trying to be right now. But I'm okay without you. You were a safety net I didn't need anymore.
Maybe that's as easy as it is.
I didn't need you anymore.
I don't know if you'll even read this. I don't want you to. I want you to move on with your life. With your new friends and your new life and your new you. I want you to be happy. To heal. To be more of what you are and less of whatever the hell you're trying so hard to be. I don't want you to spiral downwards. But I also can't care enough about that anymore. You gave me an escape from my problems because you always had a plethora for me to choose from.
I need to focus on me right now. And there can only ever be one of us.
That's enough of that. Just a quick vent before I head to bed.
Thanks for being here, everyone.
Lots of love
<3 <3 <3