It's terrible yet funny, how bad I am at this whole communicating thing. I've spent my whole life blaming others, giving up, basically just going through the same motions. Occasionally I have an epiphany about being better, doing more, changing myself for the better. But you know what, changing your foundation isn't easy. The comfort zone as detrimental as it is just that, comfortable. For the life of me I can't seem to shake these demons. Anxiety, depression, just all these self destructive behaviors I can't shake off. You'd think that being almost a quarter of a century old I'd start to figure it out, but some days I feel more lost than ever before. More bitter, just regretful, and downright self loathing.
I don't know what to write, say or do anymore. i've written this out so many times, in so many forms over the years
But I'm just sorry to all those I've disappointed.
To all the people I abandoned or bailed on
To all those who I talked about behind their backs
To all those who I resented for not reciprocating my feelings
To all those who deserved better then what I gave them
To the handful of people I let in and sequentially shut out with no explanation
To all those I made promises that i'd change
I'm sorry to anyone i affected positively or negatively for the wrongs I've committed to you. I'm a raging storm of self hate and self pity that nobody signed up to be a part of hiding behind the facade of a nice guy (or asshole depending.) I don't deserve pity or kindness from any of the people who have shown me it over these past few years.
I don't know if any one thing brought this venting out of me or if it's just another night of needing self satisfaction but I am just so sorry to all those I've hurt.